Unprocessed

I haven't updated in a while because I don't know what to write. I feel like my blog posts should have a sense of story, a line of thought (Jessie-fied as it may be), and I can't seem to make a coherent story from what's been going on around me.

How do I tell of a deepening crisis when my exposure to it is minimal? How do I express the observations as an outsider, a new one at that? Is that voice even worth hearing? How do I explain the strange mix of emotions when we send 3/4 of the kids home early because an MP has been murdered here in Nairobi and one mission group is throwing around the phrase "civil war"? And how do I tell it all to you, my distant reader, when I don't want you to panic, I do want you to pray, I don't want to overdramatize, but I do want to authentically express what's happening? How am I supposed to sort it out for you when I can't sort it out for myself?

I live on a compound, surrounded by a wall, guards manning the gates, familiar faces always around, no gunshots in the background. But I do hear a US military helicopter overhead, making its way to and from the embassy a few blocks away. When things are normal, it runs once a week. Since the elections, it's been 9 and 5 every day. Since Friday, it's been twice an hour throughout the day. It's an unnerving sound.

And on the other hand, someone came by my classroom yesterday with a dozen beautiful roses for my birthday. What a gift! But even that had mixed overtones- in Kenya, roses come from Naivasha, a flashpoint for violence right now. The roses were brought to me a few days early because the folks who bought them weren't sure they'd be able to find any a few days from now. Who knows what Naivasha will look like?

Travis and Lydia (parents of baby Meshach whose picture is back in the blog post "Matatu") - they live in Nakuru, and they're hosting several folks in their home who would otherwise be targets for violence. They are safe, and things are calm there this evening. However, as Travis reports, "We no longer mistake calm for peace."

I can't figure out how to respond. I'm an outsider. My skin is white; I'm clearly not of any Kenyan tribe. No one has posted a notice on my door telling me to "move out or else." No one murdered my relatives in the last month. If worst came to very worst, I have another place to go. I have resources to provide for myself. I haven't been threatened. So do I have any right to be nervous? To be traumatized? To be off-kilter because of what's going on around me? Am I allowed to be stressed? I feel guilty thinking about my own reaction when my circumstances are nothing compared many others.

And I do grieve for those around me. I listen to the Kenyan staff members at the school talk about being accosted by men with machetes demanding that they reveal who isn't Kikuyu, who voted for Raila. I think everyone's had the "Nazi Germany" conversation in an ethics class somewhere along the line- if you were hiding Jews, would you risk your own life to save theirs? Those conversations are always comfortably theoretical. Not so for many Kenyan citizens this past weekend.

I want to stand up for justice, but I tread carefully as a newcomer to this culture and these relationships. I hesitate to use passionate words except in prayer. I don't pretend to see a right way forward; I barely have the wherewithal to see what's around me much less make sense of it.

I know God sees. I know God cares. And I know this is where He has me at this point in time. Again I don't see why, but I trust that the desire to please Him does indeed please Him. I pray that He'll show me what He'd have me do hour by hour, whether it be finally teaching about trapezoids (Bob got several oohs and aahs this morning), simply listening to people's stories, or taking a more active role that I don't see right now.

I don't have a pithy conclusion for this post, but I leave you with one of my favorite prayers of late:

You are the Author of Knowledge
You can redeem what's been done
You hold the present and all that's to come
Until Your everlasting kingdom

You are the God of tomorrow
Turning the darkness to dawn
Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on
You are the Author of Salvation

Lord, we don't know where all this going
Or how it all works out
Lead us to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt.

A Different Kind of Teaching

So they weren't kidding when they said it really helps to be flexible overseas.

I have lots of thoughts on what it means to be a good teacher, but I found some gaps in my theories as I have now been presented with an entirely new teaching challenge: how do you help kids learn, plan appropriately, and design meaningful activities for them without actually being with them and making those millions of adjustments teachers make each moment?

See, we're canceling school for the rest of the week because there are demonstrations scheduled throughout the country Wednesday through Friday. And since we already started a week late because of the unrest, we can't afford to pause our curriculum for any longer. So today I passed out plans and assignments so kids can move forward in math during the next 3-4 days. It's hard to take the teacher out of the equation when you're so used to thinking that the teacher is an essential part of the equation... Yet another opportunity for me to recognize and confess my pride. And as I said, it's an entirely new way to try to teach.

I've never been a terribly big fan of math books. They're boring. I'd much rather jump around in the front of my classroom and get my kids laughing and remembering and participating, so I rarely use the book. And on the occasion where reading out of the book truly is the best bet, the class gets to vote on which accent I'll use. I love to read construction word problems in a New York accent or go through sewing problems as a Southern Belle.

But in this case, I'm kinda stuck with the book sans accents. I'll admit, I have a pretty good book to work from; it's thorough and understandable. But it bums me out to write instructions that say, "Read these pages. Do these problems. Grade yourself. Now read these pages. Do these problems. And grade yourself." Meanwhile I'm thinking about how I have a song I'd usually teach them to learn this formula, or how we'd play Simon Says to reinforce that concept, or how I always make a trapezoid out of pink construction paper and name it Bob to demonstrate that idea. A year without Bob the trapezoid!?! That isn't math with Miss Gac!

And so I did the best I could to write plans that included a little variety. In some ways, it's worthwhile to have this new challenge. I'm sure it's good for me professionally. But I sure hope I don't have enough practice to get good at it- I've already been apart from my students for 2 months! I don't need the break!

But of course I want them to be safe, and we simply can't know what the days will hold. The Kenyan Parliament met for the first time today, and the streets in the are were shut down, TV cameras were banned, and I still haven't heard the results of the day's proceedings. One of my students who lives near the parliament building headed home at lunchtime to make sure she was in her house by the time they let out.

I have been oft-praying for my students and their safety, for the country that is now my home, for peace to come despite the stagnation and developing hard-line position of each side. If it makes my students safer, I'm willing to give up Bob the trapezoid.

But we're still playing Simon Says when they come back.

An Opportunity to Serve

I don't know how much you've been keeping up with events in Kenya, and I'm not sure what's making the news out of country anymore, but one of the most significant issues right now is caring for displaced people fleeing tribally motivated violence. Estimates of the number of refugees run in the hundreds of thousands.

My church here in Nairobi, Karura Community Chapel, has become a makeshift refugee camp in cooperation with the Red Cross. There are about 250 people being housed and fed on the church grounds, with more arriving each day. I went over this afternoon with another family- the Wheaton grads who took care of me when I was sick who've been in Kenya for 10 years- to deliver food and see how we could help out. We ended up sorting clothes, doing dishes, carrying water, and moving rocks for construction. I'm hoping to go back tomorrow morning to continue to work. Here are some pictures of what's been going on:

The tent where food is served

Displaced people sorting through donated clothes- often you can tell who the refugees are because they are wearing all the layers of clothes they ownBoys who've found a treasure- a box of legos!

Some of my students helping to build shower stalls

Hundreds of people made hundreds of dishes.
My back was sore from bending over a tub and scrubbing-
even if I could change the color of my skin to fit in, my motor patterns would give me away.
But my tenacious scrubbing was a cause for much laughter between the women.

Fancy dresses on top of striped shirts

I'm so grateful to be going to a church that decides it needs to DO something! The humility and prayerful action of the church leadership encourages me greatly.

And a Cherry on Top

God's blessings are amazing. Like ice cream. And in this case, one of the blessings was ice cream:
See, with the unrest in Kenya, I put off my trip back. And in order to do that, I had to be rerouted through Detroit instead of just getting on the plane from Dulles to Amsterdam. (hold on, we'll get to the ice cream in a second...) So when I showed up at the airport, they were surprised I wasn't on the more direct flight and encouraged me to be a "volunteer" who gets off the overbooked Detroit plane. In gratitude, the airline would move me onto the now-available Amsterdam flight, give me a coupon for $300 off future travel, and hand me a booklet of favors like food vouchers and bonus miles. After I fully verified that it really wasn't too good to be true, I was in! And so I got a few extra hours with my parents, another American meal with them, and I spent my airport voucher on the ice cream sundae you just saw. God is kind in the most unexpected ways!

In Amsterdam I got some sleep, ate a delicious croissant- Europe sure wins the contest for baked goods- and met up with 2 other teachers flying back to Nairobi. We talked about our nervous families, our own concerns, and whether the drive between the airport and home would be problematic. The flight was quite empty, which would have been unnerving except that it meant we all got to lie down and spread out, so we were asleep instead of unnerved. We arrived with our luggage, had a completely uneventful drive back to Rosslyn, and the internet was even working when I got home. Amazing. When God decides to bless, He sure isn't stingy!

But the travel wasn't the only blessing from the past few weeks. Probably the best present was that my family surprised me by bringing my brother in! He showed up the day after Christmas while I was away for breakfast; I was totally shocked and so very happy. Nice work, Gac clan! He's planning to get married in a couple of months, so it was nice to get some family time with the 4 of us. We watched movies, did Mad Libs, and shook with laughter.
It was a relaxing time with my parents, and thanks to their loving care, I think I'm recovered from my recent health adventure. I sure enjoyed their company, even when my dad and I disagreed with great gusto about the solution to a sudoku. I took advantage of the wonders of faster internet to watch a few TV shows, update software, and waste many hours browsing. I also loved hugging my dog and torturing him by tickling his toes. Another highlight was visiting with friends who now live back east- Anna, Joel, Joey, Preston. Good talks, coffee, laughter, enchiladas, and peanut butter balls, and a few language lessons in Arabic and Russian.

So all in all the trip was a veritable ice cream sundae of blessing- many of my favorite things, all in one package. I guess that makes the ice cream sundae the cherry on top.

The Latest

I was saving up for a triumphant "I'm back home in Nairobi" post, but to put your minds at ease in the meantime, I am planning to leave tomorrow noonish in order to arrive in Kenya Sunday evening. The most exciting part of the trip is likely to be the drive between the airport and the school, so I'd appreciate prayers during Sunday morning in the States. Though excitement makes for better blog posts, I can do without it in this case.

But I am well, looking forward to being home, and have now had several pain-free days! I know God can and will provide for me, and I look forward to continuing to tell the story of how He does.

Kenyan News

So I've hear from several of you concerned about me and the violence in Kenya, and I figure there are probably others who haven't called, so here's the latest: I am still in the States, though I am planning to travel home to East Africa starting tomorrow.

Obviously I'm new to Kenyan politics, so remember that I've got pretty minimal understanding, but here's what I've heard. The violence is a response to the extremely close elections held right after Christmas. Each candidate got about 50% of the vote (approx 51/49 split according to CNN). Corruption is a major issue in Kenya, so it's not much of a stretch to figure that one or both sides were working to fix the election. Of course the losing side is making those accusations loudly, and election violence is as old as elections in Kenya. The tighter the race, the bigger the fallout. So there is looting and rioting, and the reported death toll is about 230 as of right now (up from 140 when I checked last night). The violence seems focused primarily in Nairobi, and there are rumors of a major rally scheduled for Thursday. I've heard there's a ban on live television broadcasts and a curfew in place. Over on the side of town where I live, things are pretty quiet. Supplies are running a bit low and various utilities are more spotty than usual, but that's it.

My flight is scheduled to arrive in Nairobi Thursday night after dark; I'd made arrangements with some coworkers to pick me up at the airport. I don't know enough about the curfews or the geography of Nairobi to know if that will be a problem, and I can't seem to decipher it from the State Department website. A friend of mine was discussing my arrival with a school administrator, and he said he thought everything would probably be fine, but he suggested that I look into delaying my arrival by a day or two so I'm not coming in immediately after the rally. Unfortunately, that cost about $400 more than I could afford. A lot could change in the next day and a half, so we'll see.

Please pray, not only for my safety, but for shalom in Kenya. I know God desires peace, unity, and justice, and there is great need for those in Nairobi right now. I also know God is fully capable of protecting me and those coming to get me, and I trust that He will either provide the money to change my flight or protect me as I travel during that time.