Obedience

Coming back was hard this time.

Maybe it reminded me too much of my first trip here- saying goodbye to my parents at O'Hare, waiting at the same gate, flying into Heathrow.

Maybe it's that I don't have a trip to the States planned right now, though I definitely felt like I didn't quite fit in North America this time.

Maybe it was just the emotional letdown after a very intense week (I promise I'll write a fun post and put up some pictures of the wedding soon!).

Maybe I was all too aware that I could have just gotten on a plane to New Mexico instead of to Nairobi. I've been to the US twice since I've moved, and yet never gone "home." I miss my church and my friends, and I feel those relationships cycling down yet another level. And corresponding relationships here haven't necessarily filled in that space, so I'm feeling disconnected.

And maybe most of all, it's that life here wasn't looking like an exciting adventure. The unknown is glamorous, and living in Nairobi doesn't feel that way right now. Perhaps I'm a bit of a drama addict- I like having a good story to tell, and I don't see many good stories on the horizon. Catching up on my grading isn't exactly riveting. Even grocery shopping has lost its edge. ;) Yes, it's good that I'm adjusting and not having to overcome giant difficulties every day. It's right that I have found a routine and some level of normalcy in my life. It was just hard to be excited about traveling for 30 hours to go back to normal- well, normal without family and with the now-expected "Welcome to Nairobi!" intestinal issues.

I'm a big whiner. My life here is good! I like my job, I've found a church, I'm putting down roots. Relationships take time, and I haven't even been here a full school year. As my friend Tim reminded me, "It took me about a year and a half each time I moved to get plugged in and find my people." It may be mostly the jet-lag talking tonight, but I'm struggling with lack of patience, with being separated from people who are important to me, and with uncertainty about my purpose here.

But one thing I am certain of: this is where God has me. He made it incredibly clear about a year ago, opening all the right doors at all the right times, confirming through trusted friends, and providing phenomenally for my material needs. Incidentally, He has continued to provide- my broken computer got fixed for free while I was Stateside, and I just bought a lovely little clunker of a car that will NEVER get broken into. =) And yet, despite all that clarity, I wonder what story God is telling through this chapter of my life. And even with my years of growing faith, I'm a little fearful that it's not a good story.

But I know that's not true. And so, regardless of my feelings, I obediently got on the plane back to Nairobi. I trust that God's will is good. I trust that His plans are to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. But I need some encouragement right now, some external confirmation of the truths to which I internally hold. And I know my Great Provider will provide even that.