Culture Shock, Meet Perfectionist

I used to be kind of good at my life. I was busy doing things I found worthwhile. I knew how to get from one place to another. I balanced big group time, small group time, individual time. I had friends who knew me and whom I knew. I could make phone calls, pick up a few things at the grocery store, and occasionally send a text message. I could plan lessons, find bulletin board paper, put posters up in my classroom. I felt like a good teacher, a good citizen, and a good friend. And overall, I felt God was probably pleased with my life.

As you can likely guess, this week has differed from the ideals described above. Bottom line, I'm not very good at life here. I'm incredibly inefficient, I'm not sure what to invest in and how, I feel swept from one activity to the next to the next to the next, and things that shouldn't be very important suddenly feel life-or-death. My usual extroverted and welcoming self seems to be on a leave of absence; I want to hide in my apartment by 3:00 each day. I can't solve the simplest problems: when someone wants to call me back, I don't remember my phone number. So kindergarten! (Actually, I'm pretty sure I knew my phone number in kindergarten! Ack!) At least I can text people- wait, no. I can't! They keypad is arranged differently! The default is all caps, and I don't want to be yelling! And now, when I go to send the message I slaved over, it won't go through because I used up all my credit yesterday calling my mom and crying! I can't find things in the grocery store; ingredients are not arranged according my cultural schema. I never know if I really will find what I'm looking for if I just persist, or if it's a hopeless mission because they don't carry it. Any trip to the store usually ends with me lying on my bed thinking, "Who knew grocery shopping could be an extreme sport?" It certainly hold the adrenaline rush, the suspense, the split-second decisions, and the letdown afterwards.

I guess the most frustrating thing to me is that I'm not meeting my own expectations. It's not like my life is hard. It's not like I have a language barrier to deal with. It's not like I don't have running water. It's not like I haven't lived overseas before. It's not like I had to move a whole family here and care for them. It's not like anything I'm asking myself to do is unreasonable- be an adult, do your job well, be hospitable. Yet those 3 things seem impossible tasks right now, even though a month ago they were as natural as breathing. I realize that all I'm thinking and feeling is typical for this stage of transition and culture shock, as pointed out to me so clearly in my staff manual... But it still feels like a rollercoaster of uselessness and frustration.

As a classroom teacher, I've long loved the following passage from 1 Thessalonians 5: "Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire, do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil." Isn't that great for educators? Respect and love your administrators. Live in peace with your fellow teachers. Help your students. Test everything. :) But I had forgotten about the next 2 verses: "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and He will do it."

In all my distress about how I'm failing, I forgot that God is the main character, not me. He is the God of peace. He is working to sanctify me; He has purpose in this discomfort. All these adjustments certainly bring to the forefront parts of my personality that I'd rather ignore than change- my fear of failure, tendency towards anxiety, yet my prideful belief that I can handle anything, that I can make good of any situation. I forget God's promises of peace. I forget that He is the one who "handles" everything. Mostly, I forget that God has indeed called me here, that He is faithful, and that He is the one who accomplishes His unthwartable purposes. So though there is no escape from the extreme sport of grocery shopping, I pray that I will have keen eyes to see what God is doing through this challenging time, a mind steeped in His peace, and a moldable heart that responds to His action.